I Wouldn't Change a Word: writing with self-doubt

Two weeks ago, I put the finishing touches on the manuscript of my book, attached it to an email, and sent it off to my publisher with a profound sense of accomplishment. I smiled - internally and externally - and exuded an "I did it" kind of confidence. I have had this book idea for years and have worked on it off and on for two years. And suddenly it was done. And it felt good.

After writing, the next step in the process is editing. I joked with a couple of friends that I was hoping that the editor would read the manuscript and declare, "I wouldn't change a word." I joked, knowing that this wouldn't be the case. But secretly I hoped.

I am not a writer. I am a preacher. These are different things that require different skills. I have written a few magazine articles over the years and have been edited then. But for the most part, I don't get edited very much. I blog without an editor. I preach without an editor. I live without an editor. Editing feels to me like a strange and unwelcome intrusion into my life.

On Mother's Day, in the evening, I got an email from my editor asking me to call him. The kids were getting ready for bed at the time, so I let Vanessa handle them while I nervously found his contact information in my phone. 

He didn't say, "I wouldn't change a word."

Instead, he said things I didn't want to hear but needed to nonetheless. He said that I write with a lot of logic and not a lot of emotion. He said that I describe situations up to the point of conflict and tension, and then I run away from the tension. He said that I don't let the reader in to how I feel about the conflict. He said that I tend to substitute sermonizing for emotional content. He said that for us to continue, much of what I've written needs to be reworked to be more than data and facts. I have to describe not just what happened but how I feel about what happened.

Gulp.

So here is the task I have before me: I have to rewrite my book, improving the flow of it, better defining the conflicts, and exposing my feelings about those conflicts.

This is my conflict and tension. Would you like to know how I feel about this? Would like me to let you in?

I am scared to death. I often use humor to mask my fear. I joked with my friends about how I expected to hear "I wouldn't change a word" because I was scared that none of the words I had chosen were right. I've joked about how the editing process would be humbling, mostly because I don't really want to be humbled. I joked with my editor on the phone that when he said I don't let people in, he sounded like my wife. He didn't laugh. That was unsettling. And humbling. And scary.

I am scared that I won't be able to access and express my feelings in a way that will satisfy him. I'm afraid that the process of rewriting will take me far longer than I imagine and that I will disappoint both my editor and the people expecting the book to be published this fall. I'm petrified that if it's not the book he wants to publish, he'll pull out, and I'll be back to square one ... and publicly humiliated to boot. 

This fear has sent me spiraling into a pretty bad funk this week. I have felt emotionally exhausted and full of self-doubt. Even though I've made some progress on the rewrite, I feel disheartened by the process, no longer confident that I can tell my own story adequately.

Self-doubt has been my demon this week.

But like we all have to do from time to time, I need to talk back to my self-doubt and tell myself the truth. Here is the truth of what I know. I know that my story is valuable. I know that if I tell it well, it will be a source of help, encouragement, and inspiration to many others. I know that my editor is right and I will be a better writer for heeding his counsel. And I know that if I can write with emotion, my story will be better for it.  

So tomorrow I am going back to the drawing board with renewed energy and vigor. I can't not write this book. It has to emerge from me. I feel like I have no choice. If rewriting with emotional vulnerability is what will make it the best story possible, then that is what I will do.

Gulp.

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I Opposed Gay Marriage, and I Repent

In 2004, when I pastored a fundamentalist church in Michigan, I stood before my congregation and said something to this effect, “Regardless of what party you belong to or how you normally vote, I think we can all agree as Christians that the Bible clearly teaches that marriage is between one man and one woman. I want to encourage you to sign the petition in the welcome area of our church to get the defense of marriage amendment to the Michigan state constitution on the ballot in November. I also want to encourage you to vote for that amendment in November.”

I collected signatures. I voted “yes” and urged others to do the same. The measure passed with nearly 60% of the vote ... and 8 years later, I repent.

I was wrong when I said that the Bible clearly teaches a traditional definition of marriage. I was wrong to be insensitive to the lives and struggles of gay and lesbian people. I was wrong for perpetuating state oppression of a group of citizens. I was wrong and I repent.

The Bible and Marriage

I have come to recognize that reading and understanding the Bible isn’t nearly as easy as I was taught it was in Bible college. The older I get, the more I recognize that simply applying a few hermeneutical tools to a passage isn’t necessarily going to give me a crystal clear interpretation of what God definitely wants for my life and the lives of others. It can be difficult sometimes to know when the Bible is being descriptive, simply describing the way things were, and when the Bible is being prescriptive, prescribing the ways things ought to be. Is Paul’s use of husbands and wives as an analogy for Christ’s love for us descriptive of most marriages in his time or prescriptive of what marriage should be always and forever?

In the debate about same sex marriage, much has been made about the definition of marriage. Does the Bible actually define marriage or does the Bible simply describe what has been most common, though not exclusively, in human history? People on the traditional marriage side of the debate often argue that they want to preserve the traditional definition of marriage. But isn’t it pretty commonly accepted that the definitions of words evolve? Language is living and dynamic. Shouldn’t our theology be as well?

Further, even if one argues that Bible “clearly” teaches that homosexuality is a sin, does that mean that in a pluralistic society people who engage in such behavior should have certain legal rights or privileges revoked or limited? The Bible “clearly” teaches that gluttony is a sin. Parents who are gluttonous often raise their children to be gluttonous. Should fat people have their right to become parents be revoked because they are engaging in sinful behavior?

Even further, just because I accept the Bible as authoritative for my life, does that give me the right to expect others to do the same? If I believe that the Bible “clearly” teaches that I should not cheat on my wife, should it then become a crime for all people to cheat on their spouses? In a pluralistic society, which ours is, can we really appeal to prooftexts from the Bible as the standard for what our civil laws ought to be?

Gay and Lesbian Friends

In 2004, I didn’t really have any gay or lesbian friends, that I knew of anyway. My world, and therefore my perspective, was very cloistered. I had not listened to the stories of LGBT people. I had not heard their perspective and didn’t care much about what their lives were like. I was insensitive to the struggles, pain, and heartache they have faced at the hands of pastors like me, churches like mine, and the culture I sought to preserve.

I am a white, straight American male. I have all the power, all the privilege. I don’t know what it is like to be an outcast. I don’t know what it’s like to be bullied for something over which I have no control. I don’t know what it is like to be excluded or shunned. I don’t have any idea what it’s like to live in a society that codifies my inequality.

I now know differently. Well, I don’t really know in any experiential sense, but I have a better idea. And that has changed my perspective. I realize now that those in the LGBT community are people, not the butts of jokes or political enemies advancing an agenda. As a follower of Jesus, I believe that people, all people, are to be loved, not made fun of, bullied, opposed, or ignored. I also have come to believe that my comfort with a particular version of our culture is not more important than the people who live in our culture. The victory of my political party is not more important than people. My sense of right and wrong is not more important than people. Nothing is more important than people.

God Is On the Side of the Oppressed

I now read the Bible much differently. I see it not as a collection of prooftexts to bolster my arguments, but as a story, a story in which I find both God and myself. The narrative of the Bible presents a God who is on the side of the oppressed. God watches out for those who have been forgotten, for those who have been discarded, for those who have been rejected.

God heard a banished maidservant crying and delivered her and her rejected son.

God provided sanctuary for the illegal alien within the Jewish legal system.

Jesus touched the untouchable outcasts.

Jesus talked to and spoke up for the shunned and judged.

The church is home for the lowly, the despised, the have-nots.

The church is a family for those with no family.

The kingdom will be made up of people from every walk of life.

The kingdom will be for all.

Who today is rejected, outcast, and condemned? 

Who today is without a family? 

Who today is discarded and forgotten? 

Certainly, we could answer these questions with a laundry list of Christian cause celebes: Orphaned children in Africa. Victims of sex trafficking. The unborn. But couldn’t we answer these questions with LGBT people as well? Haven’t they been rejected, outcast, and condemned as well? If so, doesn’t that mean that God is on their side as well? And if God is on their side, shouldn’t I be as well?

I Repent

And so, I repent. I repent of seeking to preserve a culture I was comfortable with at the expense of love for people. I repent for putting my theological and political heritage ahead of grace. I repent for perpetuating a church culture of oppression. 

I repent.

From here on out, I will speak up for the rights and privileges of all people.

I will speak up and vote for the dignity of all people.

I will seek to befriend and love those whom in the past I had rejected.

I will seek love and grace for the sake of Jesus and his kingdom.

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Now What?

Lent 2012 was a wonderful experience.

At Vintage, we spent time thinking about how we are free in the Spirit. The things that have mastered us in the past don't have to master us now. We can reimagine our lives. We can break out of our rut and live differently. Lent gives us a 40-day opportunity to experiment with this freedom.

For me personally, I gave up alcohol during the 40 days of Lent. I joked that every couple of years I need to remind myself that I am not an alcoholic. But it is actually really important to remember that even the good things can easily become a master. I want to have no master but Jesus.

Sometimes Lent is dark, but not this year. This year it was an energizing time for me. It was kind of fun.

And so was Easter. I love Easter. I love my annual Cadbury Egg. I love the annual kids' sermon at Vintage, even though I joke that I don't. I love how loud the band is on Easter Sunday. I love hanging with my friends and celebrating life together.

So this morning, I am wondering "now what?" Lent was such an intentional time full of conscious thought about the choices I was making. I couldn't coast through Lent, and I didn't. And I don't want to go back to coasting through my life. However, I also don't want to immediately enter into another prolonged spiritual experiment. My soul needs some downtime.

What do I do now that Easter is over? I think Jesus provides the answer - I live. Easter is about life, how great life is, how life is what God intended for us. And so the best thing I can do now is be fully alive. I need to live.

I love my wife.
I laugh with my kids.
I have lunch with my friends.
I get my work done with as much excellence as I can.
I write.
I watch the sunset and my favorite TV shows.
I spend some time with my neighbors.
I attempt to spread grace and justice.
I am alive.

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